My husband went to a seminar about substance abuse last week. He suspects his sister has a terrible problem and went for information about how to help her. He listened to several stories from families affected by substance abuse. Some with positive outcomes and some with very bad outcomes. One common element was the reason the kids turned to drugs or alcohol. It was always to feel better about themselves. This immediately got him thinking about our daughter.
We often wonder if she is becoming aware that she can't keep up with other kids. We have held her back from school for a year so this has helped but it is a constant concern. My daughter has a chromosomal disorder that is associated with intellectual disability. So far we have been told that she may just have a learning disability but it is still too soon to tell. She may never be fully aware that she can't keep up with other kids but if she does become aware how do we help her deal with it?
It seems that most kids if not all kids have some sort of crutch or what others might deem an imperfection at some point in time. They might wear glasses, have braces, allergies, asthma, pimples, let's face it I could go on.... Why do some kids deal with these issues without a problem while others feel left out, angry or hurt about their issue? I used to think it was in their genetic makeup but after doing some research I realize I am wrong.
Self Esteem seems to be the driving force on how we perceive ourselves which ultimately affects how others view us. This wasn't exactly mind blowing information but the fact that we are not born with Self Esteem but actually acquire it, was.... I just thought people were born with confidence and others were not. Just like some people are born shy and some outgoing. Turns out shyness and self esteem have nothing to do with each other. You can be shy but have a tremendous amount of self worth!
So how do I make sure my daughter has a lot of Self Esteem? Well, several people have written about the subject. Just google kids and Self Esteem and tons of articles materialize. Most often the articles are even directed at Parents with Special Needs Kids. It is worth reading the different articles because they are all loaded with great information but they all seemed to have the same elements.
1) Make sure you (as a parent) have a good sense of Self Worth. This is number one which really makes sense. How can you teach your child to love and accept themselves if you don't love and accept yourself. Dr. Sear's page has a great paragraph on this and even a technique to help break the pattern of generational mistakes. If you feel your lack of confidence comes from the way you were parented this is a great technique to break the pattern.
"List the specific things your parents did to build your self-image.
List the specific things your parents did to weaken your self-image.
Now resolve to emulate the good things your parents did and avoid the rest. If you find it difficult to follow through with this exercise on your own, get help from a professional. Both you and your child will benefit.
Don’t be too hard on your parents
They probably did the best they could given their circumstances and the prevailing advice of the times. I remember once hearing a grandmother say to a mother, “I was a good mother to you. I followed exactly the schedule the doctor gave me.” This new mother felt that some of her present problems stemmed from the rigid scheduling that she endured when she was a baby. She was determined to learn to read her baby’s cues. I reminded her not to blame her own mother because the prevailing parenting practice at the time was to follow the “experts’” advice on childrearing. The mother of the 90′s, however, is more comfortable becoming the expert on her own child."
2) Play with your Child! I am a stay at home mom so I felt like my daughter gets a lot of attention. Well, I started to realize she doesn't necessarily get the positive attention she needs from me. The attention she gets most of the time is me telling her to get dressed, wash your hands, pick up your room. I am also always cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, email, etc. I never thought about how she might perceive that I think these things are more important than her. They are important but most days I can take an hour or two to play with her. So now I take time to Play. We might only Play for an hour but the impact has been astounding. She is so much more cooperative and I find that she isn't always wanting my husband to get home from work. He Plays with her.
3) Practice Attachment Parenting. If you didn't do this when your child was a baby it is not too late but can get a little more challenging. When my daughter was a baby my mother used to tell me "she is manipulating you" every time she cried. I never bought into that and even if she was I was ok with getting undertaken by a baby who just wanted to be loved and comforted. Now that she is older I do believe she mastered the art of manipulation so I have to be more careful. I still want to nurture her but don't want to create a Monster! I do think that if you practice the other tips for building Self Esteem your child will feel loved and secure and that is what attachment parenting is all about.
4) Give Your Child Responsibilities. This one is easier said than done. Some times it is so much easier to just do something than ask your child to do it. But it is definitely a confidence builder. My daughter is going to a Catholic Pre-School this year. They give every student a job and they rotate the job every week. Some jobs are harder than others but they put an equal amount of importance on all of them. Every week she looks forward to finding out what her job will be. One week she was prayer leader and actually practiced at home! She takes the jobs very seriously and it has been such a confidence booster. I am not sure why I don't practice this on a regular basis at home. The nights when I ask my daughter to put the plates on the table and or the glasses of milk she just beems! That is worth the aggravation of trying to get all of the milk out of the carpet if it spills.
5) Help Your Child Learn How to Handle Themselves in the World. I think too often we as parents follow the sink or swim rule. Just throw your child out there and they will figure it out. The idea that we can teach them how to choose their friends or how to handle themselves in compromising situations seems kind of foreign to me. When it comes to social situations I used to think my daughter will just figure it out. We as parents need to help guide our children to have healthy happy relationships. After all when they go to school not only do they have to manage their peers; the bus driver, teacher, aids, cafeteria staff and I am sure a ton more people than I even realize. While our children are young we can influence their friendships and encourage positive friendships vs. destructive ones. This will teach them to choose friends that build them up not bring them down. I have already made this mistake. When we moved to the area we didn't know a lot of people and clung to a mother and daughter that we were always running into. Seemed to make sense that we would be friends. I started to notice that the daughter wasn't always being nice to my daughter and was sometimes just mean. At first I felt like I had to teach my daughter how to handle herself when this girl was not being nice. Then it occurred to me that by encouraging this friendship I am teaching my daughter it is ok to be friends with people who do not treat you well. I have since stopped encouraging this friendship and started seeking out more positive friendships for her.
There are tons more tips on building Self Esteem in your child but I felt like these were the most pertinent. I also think another important note is, it is never too late to work on Self Esteem! Either your own or your child's.
